Real World Adoption

From LifeDate - Fall 2007.

Real World Adoption

by Janette Clausen, LBSW, Director of Pregnancy Counseling and Adoptions, Lutheran Family Service of Iowa

Mom, dad . . . I think I might be pregnant.

Tough decisions follow such a life-changing statement. It’s not an easy road, but one that many families will walk—yet not a road they need to walk alone! Jesus promises, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). When facing life-changing decisions, Jesus Himself is there to walk with us. While the names are fictitious, the following are real life stories from those who made this journey.

Sharon, mother of a pregnant teen

That day at the doctor’s clinic, the word "pregnant" cut through my gut like a knife. My head was spinning as we left. How could this have happened? There has to be a mistake . . . not my daughter! Not now!

Over the next few weeks, my emotions ranged from sadness, to disappointment, to fear, and then to intense anger. I was devastated, feeling like I failed as her mother. I was angry with Tonya for making a choice that betrayed our trust in her, and a choice that changed all of our lives so profoundly.

Reality sank in as we told our other children, Tonya’s grandparents, and our friends. Each time I witnessed the shock in their eyes at the news, I relived the trauma of that day in the doctor’s clinic. Questions filled my mind. How will this affect Tonya? Will she be able to manage school and this child? What about the school sports she participates in that are so important to her? Will she be able to keep her job? How will this affect her younger siblings? What will people think of her—of us? Will we ever be able to just go back to being the family we were?

Many of Tonya’s friends were excited and supportive—some over-exuberant in their reaction. Several were judgmental and a few were mean-spirited. Tonya had to shoulder each one, whether she was feeling nauseated and tired or not.

Our pastor put us in touch with a crisis pregnancy counselor. After several visits with her, we were able to focus on what really mattered—what is best for our daughter and for our first grandchild. We realized that while Tonya’s life was indeed changing, it was not finished. We had to help her put the pieces in order.

As we faced the reality of a decision between "team-raising" the child and placing the baby with a family through adoption, the strong, conflicting emotions started all over again—and were, at times, completely overwhelming. Yet, we had to explore what might be the best plan for this baby who would soon change into a child, then an adolescent, then a young adult just as quickly as our own Tonya had.

Jessica, pregnant college student

I realized I was pregnant after a few months of denying that it could ever happen to me. I am going to college, feeling very stressed out, unable to concentrate.

Telling my parents was the toughest thing I ever did. I could feel their disappointment and anger for weeks. Then somewhere in the whole mess of things, they started talking about having a grandchild, their willingness to help me so I can stay in school, and how I had better get busy buying the stuff I will need for the baby.

How could I tell them that I just don’t think I want to be a parent yet, that I am just not ready? Every time I try to say something about it, mom assures me I will do fine, and that they will help me. I want to believe her and I want so much to make them proud of me again.

If I am going to be a parent, I will have to stop doing what my friends are doing—talking and dreaming about where they will live and work after college, what kind of salaries they can expect, and how they will relax, travel, and play after graduation. Some are getting married.

My boyfriend has also become excited about having this baby. He seems to have it all figured out—he will cut back in school hours so he can work more. He says he will come to spend every weekend with me and the baby, like we would live happily ever after. I’ve been thinking about whether or not I really want to be his partner for the rest of my life. I feel guilty, scared, and resentful—about everything!

My baby is growing inside of me. I have heard her heartbeat and I have seen her face on ultrasound. Everyone seems to welcome the idea of her more than I do myself, and I feel like a horrible person. I have a gnawing feeling that I am not ready to be a parent, and that I might not be the best mom for my baby now.

My parents call it selfish; my friends call it cruel, as if I did not love her. No one understands. If I am not ready to give everything to parenting, how can I give my unborn daughter what she really deserves—the best?! I couldn’t love her more—I didn’t know that I could feel so strongly. So it is not about love . . . it is about not being able to be the kind of parent I want to be—not yet anyway!

I cannot give to my daughter what I want most for her—the benefit of two parents who love each other, who are happily married and financial stable. My parents will have to help me a lot. I have so many questions.

Jackie, mother of a birthfather

"Jill is pregnant," my husband said. Our son, Bryan, and Jill had been dating for six months, and while we certainly liked Jill, we had a feeling they were too serious. I fumbled for a response, but could only stare in disbelief.

Months later they mentioned adoption, and I suddenly realized that Jill was NOT trying to trap Bryan as I had first suspected. Now I became angry that she was implying she was not willing to commit to my son or to his child—MY grandchild. What kind of a person could think that way?

While I had recently become very accustomed to my freedom since our kids are on their own more, I knew I would need to I return to schedules, bottles, diapers, and sleepless nights in order to keep my grandchild. Bryan said he did not want to choose adoption, but he knew he could not take care of a baby, and Jill continued saying she just wasn’t ready. I would raise this child until Bryan was ready, with or without Jill.

It seemed like a good plan or at least the best that there could be for now. About the time I was sure of that, my neighbor told me about a couple in our community who had been trying for years to conceive a child, but after infertility treatments and several miscarriages, they were beginning to check into adoption. They each have good jobs, are well-respected in the community, and are active in their church. They are so friendly to others, and act loving to each other, like they truly have great relationship "glue".

At first, the thought chilled me, but I began to consider some questions: Are these the kind of people who want to adopt? Is there a way to place for adoption and still stay connected to this child? Could this be a way our baby could have a mom and a dad who love each other in one home, who would meet the challenges of parenting and would be able to still enjoy and love the child?

Andy, birthfather

When Jaymie got pregnant, I first wanted her to have an abortion. There was just no way we could have a kid. I was mad when Jaymie got cold feet on getting an abortion. I mean, how could she mess with my life like that? We both had plans, and we talked about our dreams many times. Our plans did not include a baby. Ending the pregnancy would have solved the problem.

But after Jaymie told her parents and we told some friends, it sunk in a little better. A lot of friends even congratulated us, which made me feel good. I felt grown-up—manly, I guess. It could be pretty cool—my son calling me daddy, looking up to me, and me teaching him things. There was a baby inside Jaymie, growing and changing, and I was the father. As scary and unplanned as it was, there was something awesome about it.

Adults told me it would be tough going, and I knew that. But somehow things could work out—with some help from our parents and financial assistance programs until I finished school and got a job.

I get irritated when I get pressured about the future. Jaymie and I are not ready to get married . . . Many kids have two parents in different homes. I am sure Jaymie and I can get along for our son’s sake no matter what happens to us.

We may not be able to give our son the moon, but he will have everything he needs—clothes, formula, diapers, child care, doctor care, and medicine. I will be able to see him often at Jaymie’s home, and maybe he could stay over at my apartment sometimes.

In every unplanned pregnancy, there are bound to be mixed and conflicting emotions for each person close to the situation. Feelings are powerful, but feelings change for each person over time. Basing a decision on emotions alone is risky at best. It often feels impossible to make a good long-term decision that will affect everyone’s future while negotiating the awkward dance of everyone’s emotions.

If your family, or a family you know, is faced with an unplanned pregnancy, be aware of the many strong and conflicting feelings they will experience. Be supportive, understanding, and non-judgmental, and help them find a professional pregnancy counselor for help in sorting it all out. Professional pregnancy counselors don’t make decisions for families or tell families what to do. They seek to help each family member identify their own changing feelings and cope with the fear of the unknown that lies ahead. They help families communicate with each other through their feelings. When people take the time to hear each other and respect the fears, thoughts, and feelings of each person involved, the odds of making a solid decision that is based on what is best for the unborn child greatly increases. And remind them that they do not walk alone!