What's a Parent To Do?

From LifeDate - Spring 2006.

What’s a Parent To Do?

By Maggie Karner

“So . . . how far can we go?” asked the e-mail I received from a participant in one of my teen chastity talks. I’ve responded to this question numerous times and I’ve even grown to expect it following my talks. But this time, it suddenly hit me that this question is a symptom of a much larger phenomenon in our culture today.

Consider the 1960s and even the 70s, when we were surrounded by a radical generation of idealistic youth that wasn’t about to be told how to live their lives—especially by anyone of the older generation. (I grew up with that former generation, many of which believed if their folks knew about something, it wasn’t worth knowing.)

Contrast that attitude with those of today’s young people. Marketers have labeled them the “Millennial Generation,” or children born between 1982 and 2002. In the midst of a new “cultural revolution” where sex sells everything, basic morality is up for discussion, and truth is relative—or not an issue at all—our young people have somehow settled into a more conservative, traditional group than the previous “Generation Xers” or even most of their parents.¹

Millennials are not what we’d expect. Generally speaking, they are optimists, respect authority, are into education, and think of themselves as being on the cutting edge of the future. Surprisingly, most of these teens say they trust their folks and identify with their parent’s values. And when asked in a recent Roper survey, “What is the major cause of problems in this country?” teens blamed “selfishness” more than anything else.²

Our Lutheran kids seem to follow this same pattern. Polling data from the most recent 2004 Lutheran Youth Gathering in Orlando tell us that 79 percent feel they have “good” or “excellent” communication with their parents, 75 percent consider themselves “pro-life,” and “my own faith” was the number one concern of both boys and girls from a list of 26 topics.³

It all sounds too good to be true! Does this mean we have nothing to worry about as parents? Think again. What it simply means is that our kids are looking to US to help them find their way through a cultural maze of deception, sexual propaganda, and difficult choices. They are looking at our values, lifestyle, and opinions as they shape their own.

But in an MTV world where Hollywood knows that sex succeeds at selling virtually everything, we need to remember that our children are their target audience. In this virtual reality that the media has created on television and in pop culture, young people are encouraged to abandon inhibitions, and become numb to the sexual references and behavior they see everywhere around them. Even same-sex experimentation is seen as wholesome and normal when it appears on popular teen television shows.

Media messages (usually produced by older, more liberal generations) spread the lie that how you look, your personal pleasure (including sexual pleasure), and your sexual feelings are at the apex of your existence. Physical beauty is equated with happiness as our culture idolizes the red-carpet, sexually-infused version of beauty found in Hollywood.

Aside from the significant emotional and spiritual damage of early sex outside of marriage, teen sexual activity also heralds serious physical dangers as well.

While teen sexual activity seems to be decreasing, we are faced with sexually transmitted disease (STD) rates among teens of pandemic proportions, where about one in four sexually active teens are affected with some sort of STD. Despite years of “comprehensive” sex education programs that touted the myth of “safe sex” to our children, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has determined that the results are actually having the opposite effect. Today’s youth are having sex at a younger age with declining condom use.⁴

Throw into the mix that stable two-parent families are an anomaly these days, as one in three children is born out of wedlock (nearly half of the mothers who give birth outside of wedlock are living with the child’s father at the time). Is it any wonder that these teens who grew up in a non-marital environment are continuing the out-of-wedlock birthrate that has been modeled before them?

As pro-life Christians, how do we take aim at this culture and affect real change for life in the larger world around us?

Baby steps!

Yes, the work begins with our baby’s first steps, right at home in our own living rooms. Talk early and talk often! Today’s world won’t allow us the option of not talking about sex with our children in age-appropriate ways. Kids will gather the information (or misinformation) they want to know—either from television, the locker room or from us. It is up to us to make sure they get correct information within the values framework that we as Christians can provide for them.

Parents of today’s teens can also take heart. It is never too late to begin the dialogue with our kids. Listen to those research profiles of the millennial generation and remember that our teens WANT to know what we think as they form their values. They are LOOKING for guidance and will usually listen if we model what we say. What they NEED is our effective communication on these critical issues.

Those of us who remember the embarrassing “birds and the bees” talk with our folks can get queasy just thinking about the prospect of a similar encounter with our kids. Therein lies the key: we mistakenly think in terms of a singular “encounter,” instead of the many, many opportunities for communication over the years. And—like any skill—the more you practice, the easier it gets. The more you talk about this topic with your kids, the more comfortable you—and they—will be.

Once the doors are open for dialogue and a “safe zone” is established for your kids to discuss these issues, a healthy exchange can begin that allows them to bring up their own topics for discussion. When kids feel that their parents will actually listen to them in a relaxed, non-confrontational atmosphere to help them work through these issues, anything can become a springboard toward a discussion that allows them to see your values in action. The trick is to continually initiate the conversation. Ask questions and constantly be interested in your child’s life—not just their values—but their life as a whole; who they are, what they think, how they are processing the information around them.

Parents are not powerless when it comes to influencing their teen’s attitudes about their sexuality. In fact, most studies say that parents are the most influential factor in a child’s life. By setting limits and establishing a Christian framework for our teen’s growing relational skills, and at the same time offering guidance, attention, affection, and love, parents can go a long way toward meeting their teen’s needs for acceptance and a healthy self-identity.⁵

Former LFL President, Linda Bartlett, (on her Titus 2 Ministries website: www.titus2-4life.org) takes this one step farther when she encourages all adults—not just parents—to adopt an attitude of mentoring the young. Linda uses this section of scripture as a functional model for adults in their roles and relationships with youth. “Speak an accurate message that cannot be condemned. Then those who oppose us will be ashamed because they cannot say anything bad about us,” says Titus 2:8 GOD’S WORD.⁶ “Future generations need order in the midst of chaos,” writes Linda. “God reforms the culture with This Word, but with mysterious kindness and patience, He uses sinful people.”

So what’s a parent to do?

Trust. Trust that God loves your child even more than you do. Trust Him that He will give you the help and courage you need to embark on this lifelong journey with your child. Trust His forgiveness for our mistakes and His care for our children when Jesus says in John 10:28-29, “I give them eternal live, and they shall never perish; and no one can snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one can snatch them out of My Father’s hand.” NIV

Fortunately, there are many wonderful resources to help parents with this responsibility. To get you started, check out these web sites for discussion starters, books, curriculum ideas and videos: www.lutheransforlife.org; www.worldrelief.lcms.org.

(Maggie Karner is Director of Life Ministries for LCMS World Relief and Human Care.)

The Surprise? There Are No Surprises!, The 2004 Lutheran Youth Fellowship Poll; Dittmer, Terry; 2004
Reaching the Millenial Generation; The Medical Institute For Sexual Health; Austin, TX
The Surprise? There Are No Surprises!, The 2004 Lutheran Youth Fellowship Poll; Dittmer, Terry; 2004
Steamy Teens In Tampa; Thomas, Cal; Tribune Media Services; 2005
Questions Kids Ask About Sex; Cox, Melissa; Revell, Grand Rapids, MI; 2005
God’s Word for Life; God’s Word to the Nations and Lutherans For Life; God’s Word to the Nations; Orange Park, FL; 2005